totallytwo
Wedding Rehearsal
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As
you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say
something nice to him."
The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding
ceremony, he placed the bride's hand on his son-
in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
totallytwo
On Parenthood 101:
- Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.
- You know the only people in this world who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who have never had any!
- Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.
- God gave you two ears and one mouth ... so you should listen twice as much as you talk.
- Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren..
- Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- The joy of motherhood is what a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.
- The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere - and hide the keys to the car.
- Avenge yourself - live long enough to be a problem to your children.
- To be in your children's memories tomorrow, you have to be in their lives today.
- Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
- If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
- There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- No wonder kids are confused today. Half the adults tell them to find themselves; the other half tells them to get lost.
- The people hardest to convince that it's time for retirement are children at bedtime.
totallytwo
Helping a Bum
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good
today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I
gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give
away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
totallytwo
Mood Ring
I bought my girlfriend a mood ring the other day. When she's in a good
mood it turns GREEN.
When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a RED mark on my forehead.
totallytwo
Fresh As A Rose
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day
I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you
looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your
secret?"
"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six
o'clock sharp."
"You wake up at six o'clock?"
"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is,
and go back to sleep for another four hours."
totallytwo
Wonder why women live longer?
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired, and it's
getting late. I think I'll
go to bed." She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next
day's lunches, rinsed out
the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the
following evening, checked the
cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on
the table and started
the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.
She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into
the wash, did the
ironing for the next days clothes. She picked up the game pieces left
on the table and
put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants,
emptied a wastebasket.
She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.
She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out
some cash for the field
trip, and pulled a textbook out of
hiding from under the chair.
She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the
envelope and wrote a quick
note to include with the card. Mom then washed her face, put on
moisturizer, brushed and
flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails. Dad called out, "I
thought you were going to bed."
She put some water into the dog's dish and called the cat in, then she
looked in on each of the
kids and turned out a bedside
lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper.
In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the
next day. She added three things to her list of things to do.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one
in particular, "I'm going to bed." Anything extraordinary
here?......Wonder why women live longer...?
BECAUSE THEY ARE STRONGER.......MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL......
totallytwo
The Blind Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't stand another
minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have
a friend call him on the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if
something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he
lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad
news. My grandfather has just died."
"Thank God," his date said. "If yours hadn't, mine would've had to.
totallytwo
I LOVE HIM BUT...
He fails to understand why I get upset when he fills the bathtub to
check an inner tube for a leak ....
He gives out the phone number to innumerable business acquaintances -
then when the phone rings, tells me to say he's not home ....
He refuses to go visit my family because the big game is on - then falls
asleep!
He swears he gave me the registration papers to the truck then finds
them in his tackle box a week later. Apology? Not in this life time!
He 'Channel surfs' - right in the middle of something I'm trying to
write down.
He reads e-mail over my shoulder but never has anything in response to
the questions about what he is doing, his health, etc.
He tells me my new outfit is OK - then gripes to anyone who will listen
that it cost way to much and doesn't do a thing for me.
